Children, and the raising thereof

Over the past few weeks, I've had nearly a dozen people remark on my "children," (they really don't qualify as children anymore...not at the ages of 20 and 24) and ask...."What did you do?"

I've been thinking about that.  And the quick answer is, "I didn't do anything." More accurately, it should read "I didn't do anything, WE did."  The kids, and I, did a lot of growing up together.  Which leads to the question of how did you do that?  So..here they are.  Michelle's suggestions for being a parent.

1.  Negotiate.  Talk.  LISTEN.  Talk some more.  Find common ground.  I remember a LOT of "I need this thing.  You need and/or want this other thing.  How do we BOTH get at least some of what we want?"  For example.  I need to go to the grocery store and be able to shop, without chasing you or dealing with tantrums or the like.  YOU need to go to the park, and swing on the swings (or, go to the McDonalds "Play Place" and roll around in the ball room).  So.  We go to the grocery store, we deal with that issue.  We go home and put the cold things away.  Then, we go where YOU want to go...IF you have behaved well and haven't made me regret my life choices.  The catch to this negotiation is that you can never-never-ever go back on one of these. If you promise the park, you GO to the park.  

2.  See eye to eye.  I am not speaking metaphorically, here.  I mean, get down on the floor, or on the couch with them, and look each other in the eyes, on the same level.

3.  ASK them to do things.  Yes, you're the parent.  You can give orders.  But...if you ASK, they come to learn that the way to deal with people (including you, their siblings, and all the other humans they may come in contact with) is to ASK.  And YOU might learn that there is a reason they don't want to do a specific thing.  ("Yes, Mom, I will take out the trash.  But I'm at the end of writing a 3-page paper, and if I break NOW, to take out the trash, I'll loose my train of thought, and it will cost me a half an hour."  Okay.  That's fair.)

4.  You are limited to less than a handful of "Because I said so" during the entire course of their LIVES.  Trotting out your position of authority as parent as justification is lame.  And doesn't answer the question.  And, most importantly, doesn't give the child the chance to see your viewpoint and agree with you.  "Because I said so," closes the conversation.  And it deprives both you and the child of the chance to learn something.  

5.  Realize that there are some things that are important to you, that are simply NOT going to be important to them.  I like tidy.  I like "a place for everything and everything in its place."  To my kids....meh...not so much.  There are neatness people, and there are non-neatness people. All the screaming fights in the world aren't going to change that.  If the kids are doing their homework, staying out of trouble, talking to you, telling you where they are, and not causing you to pace the floor at night, wondering if they're okay, count your blessings and pick the wet towel up off the floor.

6.  Say please.  Say thank you.  If they have to be polite, so do you.

7.  If you have a "Little Mr/Ms Independent," who wants to pick out the outfit of the day, or try a wild hair color, or something of the like, ask yourself, "Is this issue really worth having a fight over?"  No, of course, they can't wear their favorite t-shirt and shorts when it's snowing.  But, if your son wants to see what wearing nail polish is like, and he is willing to put up with the remarks from kids at school, hey...they're his fingernails.  It comes down to "pick your battles."  Some battles are worth fighting.  Some simply are NOT.

8.  Watch their TV shows WITH them. No.  You don't have to watch every episode.  I'm not saying you have to be glued to every episode of Yu-Gi-Oh (or whatever the current incarnation of THE kids' show is, this year).  I'm saying, you should know enough about it to be able to understand what they're talking about, when they want to tell you ALL ABOUT what happened on their favorite show, today. That child is sharing something with you.  Be informed enough that you'll be able to enjoy it.

9.  Let them watch your shows with you, if they want to.  My kids watched South Park.  (I will pause, for the accumulated gasping to subside.) Yes.  I know.  But, I made the decision that I would rather have them watch it with me, while I'm there to answer questions, than have them watch it at a friends house, and get all kinds of inaccurate explanations (or worse, make a lot of unfounded assumptions).  

10.  Nunya is an acceptable answer, if used sparingly.  As in, "That's nunya business."  Here's the catch.  If YOU can use nunya, so can they (within certain safety limits, of course).

11.  Make the kid understand this: Anyone who picks on you, had better give their soul to God.  (This is the reason that the entire administration of the middle school cringed, whenever they saw me coming.)  The reverse of that is, once I've defended you, protected you, gone to the wall for you, when we get home, you're gonna have to deal with me.  Try to make sure I don't have any reason to turn my righteous wrath on you.

12.  No one is perfect.  I certainly am not.  I will cheerfully say, "I don't know," or "I made a mistake, and I'm sorry."  I don't expect you to be perfect.  I do expect you to try.  I do expect you to admit when you've made a mistake, and to own up to it (and no, blaming someone else is not acceptable).  And I do expect you to say you're sorry and try to make amends when you've done something wrong.  But, making mistakes is human, and natural, and good for your development.  I promise I will still love you, when all the smoke has cleared.

13.  "Other peoples' actions do not justify your own."  Trust me, my kids got VERY tired of hearing me say that.  We had lot of conversations that went something like this:  "I don't care if your brother didn't take out the trash last night.  Tonight is your night.  Take out the trash.  I will deal with your brother.  That's my job.  Taking out the trash tonight is YOUR job."

14. MOST important.  Contact.  Hugs.  Snuggles.  Building a blanket fort, or a camp out on the living room floor where we all watch TV too late, and crash out in a heap.  More hugs.  Look directly into their eyes and say, "I love you."  "I'm proud of you."  "You mean the world to me."  Your job, as a parent, is to make absolutely certain that your child will NEVER have to wonder if anyone ever loved him/her.